A shift

The last few weeks have been eye opening in a number of ways. I feel like I'm starting to stretch my wings and while I lack total grace, there's clarity.

At the beginning of April, there was a reading of a play I crafted. I think that event sparked something I haven't permitted myself to feel in a long time: complexity. I shared in this play aspects of myself I'd spent 2 years trying to ignore and as it's said, "What you resist persists." The quest I'm on tends to flow in and out of motion characterized by minimalism on one end and vicious complication on the other. Marching toward the center has been a coveted routine that I've persuaded myself is a virtuous endeavor. For a couple of years, I've been resisting any likeness of complexity as it pertains to my life and those around me. In the last few days, I've embraced the conundrum and it's both uncomfortable and liberating - complex, for sure. As with the stretching wings, I feel a little clumsy but freer.

I've been judgmental about the drama others bring into their lives, forgetting that every aspect of living is dramatic. There is a gift in seeing the drama as life itself. I've been hard on myself for not being more agreeable, more simple, more flowy - like water and in so doing, I lost my voice; I lost my way. Reading as myself in the play generated an anxiety around my desire for approval and in the last few days, I've had access to how utterly ordinary and boring that is. I think since doing the reading of the play, I've been more connected to what I consider is my voice and the vulnerability that comes with expressing it absolutely. Putting myself out there in the context of the play was really quite the mindmess and it didn't go as I'd envisioned but I was free as me and people didn't throw stones! I think that might be my new goal for communication - push the grain in public (no longer just in private) and hope that they don't throw stones (and run if they do!)

As a parent, all signs put a premium on consistency and I have spent years investing wholeheartedly in the party line. What I am realizing now is that consistency may not only be overrated but is also just plain impossible. There is no true cadence for life that is consistent. To hold fast to there being one is an act of desperation. I don't want to take desperate measures. I want to take bold, stunning and giant leaps in my life and suffer the glorious, inevitable falls along the way.

I've noticed a shift in how I approach photography of late too. I use to feel like a feedback fiend but now I feel peace in what I do such that affirmation doesn't feel as necessary. It is a profoundly new experience. I take the images, knowing that I love what I'm seeing. There is abundance in simply knowing that I love what I'm doing. The need for approval has diminished as I sink my grip into something I love. I'm finding the same phenomenon at work in my parenting. As I embrace what works for me as a parent, in the face of what others may say doesn't work, I have access to a much more fulfilling life as the mom I already am, instead of as the mom I keep thinking I should be. Instead of trying to generate a manifesto for mothering, I'm going with what actually works for me and my kids and the pressure to be perfect has disappeared. It's a new day and the tide has turned. There will, undoubtedly, be more to report as the winds change. Stay tuned.

A Book Review: The Creative Habit

_The Creative Habit_ by Twyla Tharp

I find myself growing more invested in this book since finishing it. It's kind of as if it's haunting me. As I read it, I didn't find it tremendously inspiring though there were some solid nuggets worth pondering. As days have passed since I read the book, I am baffled at what seems to be resonating. The idea of discretion, a term Tharp does not use, is pervading my creative sphere right now. The idea of exercising choice and judgment because I say what matters creatively is infusing my every action and that is a direct result of reading this book. Tharp does say: "Demonstrate good judgment and people will give you room to exercise it. Be ornery - it's your judgment on the line." I am choosing to exercise my judgment in an effort to express more fully who I am and letting the chips fall where they may. I am giving up the desire for approval in order to be more fully self expressed; to be more fully me and this is profoundly invigorating.

I am finding motivation in some of the ideas presented by Tharp. Despite my critique that follows, the book jumpstarted something in me. I guess Tharp does what she sets out to do although I admit, the text needed to percolate before any of that became clear. Some of the tips I am taking to heart are these:

EDIT your life: "Subtract anything that disconnects you from your work." In the 3 major life projects I have going right now (a play, parenting and photography), I am always looking for new ways to refine focus and clarity. This idea creates a world of possibility for what to include and what to give up - I love this!

EDIT your art: "The creative act is editing - exercising your judgment - set the bar high and know when to stop tinkering."

OWN your work: "Make your art the thing that you know best - the thing that you recognize yourself in."

DO the work: "Develop the skills you need... Skill gets imprinted through action... If art is the bridge between what you see in your mind and what the world sees, then skill is how you build that bridge...Challenge assumptions...Create a Hemingway bridge - figure out what's next (for tomorrow) then call it a day so that the "end of the day knits into the next."

REMEMBER: "The body is how we stay in touch with the outside world... Habitually creative people are prepared to be lucky... Fortunate people are prepared, attentive to craft, alert, involve friends and make others feel lucky to be around them."

I am not the target market as I don't find myself "creatively challenged" but I thought there might be a tip or two to glean from the famed American dancer and choreographer (and there were.) I felt the exercises were a little mundane and somewhat limited in scope. A lot like the beginning of the run of _Movin' Out_ I felt this was an uneven source of information, often endeavoring to be something it simply isn't. While I enjoyed her metaphors for dance and the body, her principles seemed overly dramatic.

The drama was in statements and sentiments like these: "We change through life but we cannot deny our sources," "Everything is usable" and "Metaphor is the lifeblood of all art." To take a suggestion from her book: "Find something useful in everything - how would you do something differently?" I would have allowed myself more space to be light in my sharing. The book could have read as if it were a dance had there been less drama grounding it; keeping it tethered. I felt it was constantly grasping to gain momentum and constantly falling short.

One of the best, most promising, parts was this tidbit: according to researcher Cesare Marchetti, "creative production is limited in our youth and...hits full stride in our prime middle years." I love the idea that the best is still yet to come!

Sweet Chariot

Part of living simply to me means having the time, energy and resources available to do the things I think are valuable. Back in October I committed myself to a project, a major step of which has just recently completed. I thought I'd share a little about the experience.

In 2003, I thought it would be neat to create a play about mental illness and its effects on loved ones. I started interviews but failed to follow through. Life was not simple enough to pursue such an endeavor at the time. An opportunity showed up to recommit to that journey in 2010 so I took it. I asked 20 people about their experience with bipolar disorder. I did not ask people with a diagnosis - I asked friends and family of a loved one with a diagnosis. I think their perspective is unique and underrepresented so I thought it would be valuable to see what they had to share. I also think that a lot of the creative work that exists around bipolar disorder tends toward the first person narrative dramatizing the highs and the lows. I wanted to reframe the drama as merely an aspect of the illness rather than it being its totality.

I wove the narratives into play form and crafted sections addressing various components of life with the disorder. I interspersed opposing viewpoints with my own personal take on various matters. I included candid opinions and brought forth challenging angles hopefully to paint a more vivid and complete picture of something that might be very new to some people. The resulting piece, I called _Sweet Chariot._

Last night at ASU's Empty Space Theatre, _Sweet Chariot_ , with its 5 member ensemble cast, had a very successful staged reading. The theatre was packed (people were turned away) and the response was truly overwhelming. While I was still nervous to be reading my own voice in the work and nervous about how the piece might be received, I had earlier chosen to commit to the play being some type of contribution, however modest that might be. Giving up any attachment to the "success" of the piece made room for the piece to be "successful."

The most valuable token I got out of seeking the perspectives of others as it pertains to bipolar disorder is that I have an obligation to be responsible for the care of my health; for the care of my life because I don't exist in a vacuum. Being responsible for my own health and well being reminds me everyday that I am a contribution to the lives around me and in order to give my all, I have to be my all. Being my all has meant giving up my personal views on certain things, like taking medication (altering what's natural), in order to serve a greater purpose - that of being part of a community.

Determining Values: How vigilant to be?

Lately, I've found myself working more on identifying my values and trying to streamline life in accordance to them. The trouble spots I am encountering involve my kids and their things and my kids' apparent values as well as in the area of my photography business.

As for my kids: their values and mine don't always seem to jive and negotiating them is something I'm unsure of how to do. To head off potential conflict of values, I'm considering instituting a 100 personal items/person rule so everyone can choose what to keep in their space based on whatever they deem their values to be. So far, I'm not getting much support on this initiative. Bill thinks the house is simplified enough as it is and that 100 items/person might create an austerity that's undesirable. I think it might be amazing the freedom we could have if we pursued and were vigilant about having 100 items/person.

As I contemplate values and priorities for myself, my family and my business, some of the keywords that keep coming up in this area are: access, clarity, beauty, compassion, love, health, contribution and joy. I've further identified these areas as valuable: well-being, family, friendship, art and nature.

Along this line of sharing values, I have been wondering how much of myself to share with potential business clients. I think the work environment for like minded individuals might lend itself to easy breezy and fun photo sessions. I would, however, hate to restrict myself from clients who might have different, say, environmental views but have similar aesthetic views. It's something I'm trying to work out as I move forward professionally.

For now, I will daydream about how cool it might be to have 100 items/person in this house and how it might be to be completely open with my values with everyone I encounter.