Reticent No More

I've been participating in Landmark Education for a little over a year now and this endeavor has most definitively simplified my life. I've been freed up from years of "stuff" - physical and otherwise. This week I've had 2 major areas of life defined.

The first area has to do with how I've "failed" - namely how I've "failed" to sing on Broadway and how I've "failed" to publish a book. I haven't actually failed because I've never once auditioned to be on, or anywhere near, Broadway and I've never even completed writing any of my so called books so, naturally, they aren't published.

Bill and I had a brilliant conversation that unearthed where this fear of failure originated - and we discovered that it was at my birth. I was born early and had to stay in the hospital. My mother tells the story of how heartbroken she was to go home without her baby; of how she felt she had done something wrong. Something happened for her as a first time mother that also happened to me as a newborn and kept happening as we both grew older and further apart. From that moment onward, fear of failing, of being rejected, governed my choices. The pattern is crystal clear throughout my life - reticence reigned. Distinguishing this has opened up my whole friggin' world. The possibility to pursue what I want "out loud" and beyond is new and invigorating - I'm choosing to be whole and fearless and unstoppable.

The second area has to do with the way I've allowed my past to dictate my present and my future. I've struggled with how to describe what I do on a daily basis and with how it isn't what I used to do. I was an educator in a classroom. I've gotten present to how I'm *still* an educator but my classroom is bigger now. It includes the whole world and 2 students for life. I am choosing motherhood as an educational playing field and it's a grand one - perhaps the grandest I'll ever know.

Finding triumph in these 2 areas has inspired me to do things 1 week ago, I simply wouldn't...join a Moms group - which I swore I'd never do, write more openly and publicly - which I swore off doing, get serious about photography - which I've been swearing I would do. I also will learn to play the guitar so I can accompany myself at all the new gigs I'll be taking on. Watch out world, I'm on my way!

Status Update

Right now, I am focused on the physical aspects of my "barn." I've
been honing my ability to properly simplify my space for almost 3
decades. I understand that the philosophical nature of this pursuit
is integral to sustaining simplicity as a lifestyle and I do feel that
both - the philosophical and the material - are truly within reach.
This feels like a big deal. I am sensing that certain obstacles which
have burdened me in the past are not simply being shoved aside or
prioritized down but rather that they are suspended happily somewhere
(though unheavily) in my mind.

The current purging tactics are to liberate items I didn't know I even
had as well as those I wouldn't want right now if I didn't have
them. Items such as airplane blankets (yes, that's plural), serving
tray, a million plastic Asian soup spoons (for when I had time to
dream up and make amuse-bouche), etc. I also keep reminding myself
what life might be like in 250 sq ft and try hard to purge accordingly.

My biggest hang up is saving various containers that COULD be useful
in organizing, schlepping stuff around, etc. I have an area that's
designed to allow me a limited amount of space for such things (I
can't quit cold turkey) but sometimes I make new piles that grow and
grow. This weekend I filled the recycle bins so containers are under
control again. I also loaded the 4 boxes and giant plastic bag of
stuff for goodwill into the car so the house feels cleaner but
certainly not done. We de plan a burning for the vernal equinox next
week so I am aiming to be closer to done by then. I plan to finally
print the photos I've been saving. With them I think I can do a basic
but visual feng shui of the home space.

Our space is getting easier to maintain as items finally truly find a
home. I can tell we're on track because I'm back to eagerly preparing
meals and wanting to venture out. While our meals are far from
elaborate they are incredibly more healthful than ever before.
Venturing out still inspires some anxiety but I feel more ready than
in times past, especially having identified what I want to feel when I
come home and working on the front end to achieve that feeling.